....new journal

ugh. we're talking about religious fasting in class right now. about how it can bring you closer to god, clears your head, increases the authenticity of prayer. ew. this is too personal. they describe the high of fasting and of course i can relate. i know what that is like, i have done that. it IS a high. it is your body freaking out and thinking it's dying and releasing floods of endorphins as a result. great. very spiritual.

so i'm sort of freaking out because i cut my hair really short and i think i hate it. i'm freaked out because i think it's too short and now i'm afraid no one will ever think i'm attractive. of course, this is an irrational and totally ridiculous idea but still, it's where my head is at right now. i'm still not in a great place. i did clean my room though. i'm getting a bit depressed. i wanted to sleep with the polyamorous kid today but i'm on my period. i wanted to validate the fact that i still look okay. now i can't do that. lame. but that's not really the best way to do that anyway. i shouldn't need the validation.

i can't stop thinking about the mathematician. i want him to come back. i want to see him again. i want to find out if i actually like him. why? why can't i stop fixating on this? oh, maybe because this is what i ALWAYS do. there's no way to know if it's actually something or if it's just me being obsessive. but he seems like a really nice kid. someone who might actually be good for me, not someone who i'm just randomly attaching too. no it's still random.

he probably doesn't even like me. he probably had like a decent time, no big deal, is going to forget to call me anyway. who knows?

i don't want to tell him about the bad things about me. i don't want him to know that i've slept with stupid people i shouldn't have. i don't want him to know i've cut myself, been to treatment, been in the fucking psych ward, that i'm still crazy. i want him to think i'm good. i want to BE good.

what a week. roller coaster. could i say that more often? this class is amazing, i am loving it. the professor is awesome and it is a great experience. i feel like i'm actually connecting with the people in my class and the content is really thought provoking. today we went on an all day hike as part of the class is fairfax. we hiked in silence on the way up, did some meditations at various points in the hike and had lunch as a class at the bottom. it was great. we all got to know each other better and it was an incredible day. so beautiful.

at the beginning of the hike i was really overcome with the sense of how far i have come. how i would never have been able to appreciate this class and certainly not this day if i wasn't in such a good place. i felt grateful to be alive, fully a part of the world and very spiritual. it was incredible.

by the end of the day i was spent. i had a wonderful evening planned for myself of a hot shower, cuddling with my kitty and some netflix; at the time it sounded perfect. but i got anxious as the night progressed. it felt so long. i wanted to go out, sort of, needed to do something. i did finally. just started driving, not really knowing where to go or what i wanted to do. smoked a cigarette. a bad habit that is reoccurring these days.

it started last night when i went to see a movie with some friends. i got so anxious during the movie; the content was so depressing and just unsettling. i didn't like the level of tension that was constant in the movie and everyone on the screen was smoking cigarettes throughout and eventually it got to be too much and i left to buy a pack and get some air. i was frustrated that i was still not feeling right, after getting over the intensity of the chest pain and feeling like i was back in a good place. but that's all i did. smoked a few cigarettes and went to bed, anticipating today's hike.

but tonight it was the same thing, sans depressing movie. i ended up at a bookstore which was nice. i got a book for a girl i bonded with on the hike who also has an eating disorder and a book about atheism that the teacher thought i might like when i posed a question in class about the fact that i fundamentally don't understand why faith is a virtue.

on the walk back from my car after the bookstore i began to have the feeling, when is this shit going to be over? like when i am not going to get into these moods, when is this bullshit not going to impair my life anymore? i missed half a class this week and spent another class in horrible anxiety and pain. it's still taking me away from the things i want to be doing and that's frustrating. i guess this is "that week," before my period where things are off balance. it's hard to see the consistent pattern because it doesn't feel like i had "this week" last month but who knows, my moods are so all over the place as it is.

although it is scary that i am still not better, that i am still fragile and vulnerable to falling again, i must remind myself that i have made progress, things are a lot better than they were before, even months ago. i keep telling myself that it is amazing that i can go through these moods and the worst i've done through this one is smoke a few cigarettes - hardly a virtuous habit but a far cry from winding up in the ER like at thanksgiving.

it will get better. things will get better. this is a temporary state and i don't have to let it get out of hand. in fact, it will improve tomorrow.

tomorrow i am going to clean my room. it is getting to that frustratingly out of control messy state that only contributes to the chaos in my life. it will be cleansing. i will clean and i will do homework and perhaps i will have a little encounter with the polyamorous kid, just to keep things interesting.

though i am really feeling as though i want to stop fooling around. i want to settle and not feel like i need to juggle half a dozen boys in order to be worthwhile. maybe i just feel that way because i want to pursue the mathematician, but who knows what will happen with him when he gets back? he may not call. or he may call and it may have been a fluke and things won't go well on the next date, who knows?

i am wheezing. must be the cigarettes. my chest hurts a bit but nothing like before.

much as in some moments it scares me that i can still sink so low (not that this is THAT low), i KNOW that i am so much better than i was before. i want to be alive. almost every moment of every day; now suicidality is a rarity instead of the norm and that is enough to know that this has been worth it.

enough. back to my night of netflix and kitty love.

i'm still really in pain. i woke up still with slight chest pain and it has been increasing through the day. i have a constant sense of discomfort and fluctuating pain from a 3 to a 5 approximately. it's not unbearable but it's constant and unyielding. although i recognize that this is likely emotional and not physical and it will pass, it has been over 24 hours and i am starting to feel trapped and anxious. it didn't seem to start out with anxiety, it started out with pain. the anxiety is coming from the inability to get relief from the pain.

why is this happening? i really try not to pity myself, i know it's not productive. but with losing my car, the power outage, this day long panic attack, i'm really feeling persecuted. it seems unfair.

i'm not feeling tempted to do anything destructive. at all. i feel still love for myself, i'm just having a hard time dealing with the intensity of this pain - it's manifested most physically but of course it stems from emotionality.

unless of course i'm ACTUALLY having a heart attack.

I feel very weird right now. My chest hurts. My face feels hot. It is hard to breathe. I have to take deep and full breaths deliberately or else I don’t seem to be breathing really. I’ve been feeling weird for the last four hours. It started in class at about noon, my chest began to hurt, I started to feel a little more subdued but also maybe tense and a bit fidgety. I thought it was emotional. It lasted throughout the rest of the class. Although I was easily able to fall into a meditative relaxed state during the final walking meditation we did at the end of class, my chest ached the whole time. It still hurts pretty significantly. I felt stuck in that state after the meditation ended. I felt out of it, disconnected from the group. I literally stood separate from the class while we were discussing the meditation afterwards, not realizing that everyone else was standing in a circle. I was confused when the meditation ended. I didn’t hear the bell or the teacher tell us to stop, I didn’t know what was going on.

After school I talked on the phone to my best friend and that helped me get back into the world. We talked about the date I went on last night. I told her about it and it made me feel good. Then I realized that I lost my car. I couldn’t find it, I still can’t. I thought maybe it was towed but spent a half hour on the phone and it doesn’t appear to be in the system, so the most likely possibility is that I simply can’t remember where I parked it.

I walked to my appointment with my dietician – it’s not outrageous but probably two miles away. She said she noticed something off about me immediately. During the session I got hotter and felt my face flushing and my chest hurt more and more. I had to keep stopping to take deep breaths and trying to sit up straighter to adjust my posture.

I feel really weird. The chest pain is the most significant. While I was walking and talking on the phone earlier to my best friend, all the blood left my right hand – the hand that was holding the phone. It was really cold outside; I was that kind of clammy hot/cold when it’s cold outside but you’re walking fast so you get warm and sweaty but cold at the same time. My hand was freezing. It was purple.

As I’m writing this my left arm started to get numb and I had a moment of thinking maybe I’m having a heart attack. I took an ativan a minute ago. If this doesn’t start to feel better or if it starts to feel worse, maybe I’ll go to the hospital. Maybe I’m having a panic attack. There’s an ER less than a block away so if things aren’t getting better I’ll go have it checked out. I think I’m fine. I’m sure I’m overreacting. I’m actually not really scared of it being serious, especially since I know I’m right by a hospital but more so because I know it’s very unlikely. It’s much more likely that it’s from the caffeine or that it’s a panic attack although I have to say I’m pretty extraordinarily calm in a lot of ways for this to be at all associated with “panic.” I wonder why my left arm is getting numb though, that’s pretty weird.

My mom is actually coming to meet me probably within another fifteen minutes or so. I don’t want to freak her out but obviously if I’m still feeling this way I will need to tell her. I’m sure I’m fine.

I think I’m being hyper-aware of my physiological sensations right now. That’s something that people who are anxious tend to do and it makes their physical experiences heightened and therefore seem more serious. I am going to focus on something else. Something that’s not stressful…. Maybe I should do my homework.

Alright here’s something to journal about: I actually sort of want this to be something that I need to go to the hospital for. That’s so fucked up; I’m so insane. I totally romanticize the idea of being sick – even now not wanting to go back to my eating disorder and be THAT type of sick. Having a physical illness that I can’t help sounds desirable to me. Going to the ER. Having tests done. Having an excuse for my teacher tomorrow, haha.

I’m getting really seriously weirdly zoned out. Maybe I’m just tired. Like I stopped typing at the end of that paragraph and just sat, very still, looking through my computer screen; not focusing. The chest pain might be getting better although it still hurts when I breathe in. It hurts on the right.

I tried to meditate just now. I did so for over three minutes but then I was interrupted by a phone call. Mind you, I’m in Starbucks so any attempt at meditation I think is rather impressive. Nonetheless, I was interrupted by a phone call from the boy we call Noah. He is so funny.

I got a strange and mysterious phone call yesterday afternoon from someone I couldn’t identify. I didn’t know the number and I couldn’t hear what they were saying and I thought maybe it was Noah. I didn’t want to answer or whatever though because I was getting ready for my date with….. this new kid needs a name. We’ll call him the mathematician. Cos he does math problems for fun. Which is adorable. Anyway, I usually get a bagel on Tuesdays before I see my dietician but my appointment was today (Wednesday) instead of yesterday. But I got my bagel today and the kid I call Noah was there. I knew it was a little weird but I asked him if he’d called me but he hadn’t which made things really awkward. He apologized and said it wasn’t a good time etc. etc. I said it was totally fine, which it is, I had no hard feelings about it at all. He was funny about it. Comp-ed my bagel again and I left. He followed me afterwards, across the street and caught up to me to say that he felt really bad and that he would call me but he’s sort of seeing a girl on and off and it wasn’t a good time. No big deal. I kept saying it was fine and he kept apologizing. Funny. He kept saying that he would call me someday. I said he should work things out with his girl.

Then, two hours later, I am meditating in Starbucks and I get a call and it’s Noah. He apologizes again and said he didn’t want to be some mysterious number if he did call me. He was outside on his break so I told him to just come talk to me in Starbucks for a minute. He did. He’s a nice kid, from what I can tell. It’s so funny. I would like to be his friend, why can’t we be? Maybe that’s just too weird. I dunno. It seems logical to me. I texted him to say that I thought we should be friends, no impure intentions whatsoever, but everyone needs more friends right? That was probably a totally weird thing to say and now he thinks I’m like secretly pursuing him, ew. I’m not that girl. Oh well. Whatever.

I need to start doing homework.

okay so dating is bad. right? that's what my therapist tells me. which is fair enough, listen to the 12 step programs, stay the hell away from relationships and dating until you're solidly in recovery; at least a year. i haven't exactly followed that - in fact i've shattered that rule and basically done the opposite: spent my process of recovery in the perpetual state of dating and relationships and sex. ugh.

instead of resisting this natural pull of mine - perhaps i feel as though i'm making up for lost time - i am going to work with it. i am going to learn from it and i am going to make sure that it does not obscure my progress in other realms. i am really scared but also excited about the new turn that my therapy is taking. i know that i need to deal with and explore my emotions and i want to. i like using the specific forum of the therapy session itself in order to focus on this. i need to have the sanctuary of the rest of my life where i still focus on behaviors, DBT, emotion regulation and distress tolerance rather than allow myself to be engulfed by the pain i usually so desperately avoid.

back in april when i was first back in california and worked with another therapist, she was very focused on helping me feel my emotions, on a psychological and a physiological level and i think that really contributed to the Great Crash of June 08 (i.e. the 5150). i wasn't ready; i didn't have the skills necessary to deal with overwhelming emotions OUTSIDE the realm of therapy. i am more ready to do that now. i feel more capable of compartmentalizing and leaving the emotions in the therapy room, rather than carrying them with me wherever i go, although i did struggle with that yesterday. i also feel much more confident that if i do feel overwhelmed outside of the therapy context, i have numerous skills in order to avoid negative and dangerous behaviors, which is the more superficial but immediately important goal.

i feel good about the fact that i am doing something different. i really want to stop having casual sex. i'm actually really considering cutting things off with the polyamourous kid although maybe that's just because i found the date more rewarding. wait, maybe that's a "just" maybe that's the real reason not to do it. it isn't really want i want. i'm scared of anything else but i'm searching nonetheless for something deeper.

but still, i want things to happen so quickly. it occurs to me that the hsbf, the girl, and the exbf all moved quite quickly, emotionally at least. the hsbf was supposedly in love with me before we were even in a relationship, the girl was too, and the exbf talked about missing me after just days. although i did rush into a relationship with the hsbf or even really with the girl, the intensity happened quickly. i am drawn to people who move fast.

but i need to slow down. in so many ways. my speech, my thoughts, my actions. i need to breathe. to slow down, to center myself; i think meditation will help me a lot.

my chest is hurting right now. in the emotional way. i am feeling my emotions and it is hard. i am scared of opening floodgates when i begin to allow myself to feel. i suppose that's always why i have inhibited it. i must be careful. i am really looking forward to the meditation at the end of class today.

The Flea

Marke but this flea, and marke in this,
How little that which thou deny'st me is;
Me it suck'd first, and now sucks thee,
And in this flea our two bloods mingled bee;
Confesse it, this cannot be said
A sinne, or shame, or losse of maidenhead,
Yet this enjoyes before it wooe,
And pamper'd swells with one blood made of two,
And this, alas, is more than wee would doe.

Oh stay, three lives in one flea spare,
When we almost, nay more than maryed are.
This flea is you and I, and this
Our marriage bed, and marriage temple is;
Though parents grudge, and you, w'are met,
And cloysterd in these living walls of Jet.
Though use make thee apt to kill me,
Let not to this, selfe murder added bee,
And sacrilege, three sinnes in killing three.

Cruell and sodaine, has thou since
Purpled thy naile, in blood of innocence?
In what could this flea guilty bee,
Except in that drop which it suckt from thee?
Yet thou triumph'st, and saist that thou
Find'st not thyself, nor mee the weaker now;
'Tis true, then learne how false, feares bee;
Just so much honor, when thou yeeld'st to mee,
Will wast, as this flea's death tooke life from thee.

i just got back from a date and i'm almost in tears. the date went really well. let me explain.

today i had a really intense therapy session. i spent most of the hour in a somewhat meditative experience of my deep emotions. i sat and felt the pain in my chest that is usually associated with depression and crying and described it physiologically to my therapist. i left in something of a daze. i felt weighted down, numbed sort of, or slowed. somber maybe. i was heading over the bridge to my date right after therapy and so i tried my best on the car ride to get myself back into a normal state but nothing worked. i felt guilty that i wouldn't be at my best for the date so i told him what had happened so he would understand a little if it seemed like i wasn't having fun.

we had dinner and good conversation. he's a nice kid. he's smart and funny and treats me well. i like talking to him. then we went bowling. bowling was really fun. he gave me hugs sometimes which was nice and it made me want more physical affection. i wanted to be held or to cuddle or something. i wanted more contact with him. but we played and it was really fun.

i started to get sad towards the end - the way i was feeling when i was in therapy - because the date was coming to an end. i just wanted to keep hanging out with him.

when i was about to leave i realized i needed four dollars for the toll going back over the bridge and i didn't have it so i asked him for it. he said he'd give it to me if he could have a goodnight kiss. i got all nervous and hid my face and he said, "it's okay" and hugged me but when we pulled back we kissed. just briefly but i kept my eyes closed to soak it in and he kissed me again. he is a good kisser. it was a good kiss. i felt it through my whole body, i wanted more immediately. we separated and i went to my car. he said he'd call me when he got back from the trip he's leaving on tomorrow. he said to drive save. i sat down in my car and turned the ignition. i looked back at him, waiting at the door to see me leave. i turned off the car. got out and walked toward him. he said, "what's wrong?" and i said, "come back here" and when we were next to each other i said, "do that again." and we kissed. it was a really good kiss.

i wanted to have sex so badly. instantly. i was aching, it felt unbearable. i drove away feeling really weird. i texted the polyamorous kid to see if i could sleep with him really quickly because i just felt like i NEEDED to sleep with someone, anyone, immediately. then i thought better of that and texted him back saying nevermind. i called my best friend. she didn't pick up. i called my exbf. i told him that i'd been on a date, it went well, we kissed at the end and now i really wanted to have sex but i didn't think it was about the specific guy, i just really wanted to have sex. then he had to go and so i was left feeling really weird and like i shouldn't have said anything and that it was probably inappropriate to talk to him anyway.

then i texted the boy i went on a date with. i apologized if what i'd done had been weird and said that i felt really strange. he said no no that was great and i feel strange too. does he like me? do i like him? can i even tell?

my primary reaction was sex - the kiss just made me want to have sex. by the time i got back to my apartment, i knew that wasn't what i wanted and the sadness started to envelop me. tears threatened to fall. i feel incredibly scared that i don't know how i really feel. i feel incredibly scared of the possibility of getting to know someone without the instant yet fake intimacy of sex. i need to take things slow but i want them to go fast.

i like but am terrified by the prospect of going on multiple dates without having sex. creating a connection that is not about sex but is about us. i don't know if this kid is "right for me" or whatever. but i know that the fact that it has been so innocent is really hard for me and really good for me. i want him to come sleep here. i feel like i didn't have enough time with him. i don't even want sex anymore, i want physical intimacy. but maybe that's fake too. maybe that isn't meaningful until you develop the relationship to back it. maybe that's still a way for me to experience a pseudo-intimacy that is less threatening to me than really trusting and knowing deeply.

i think i'm always trying to rush things. i want to skip over the getting to know each other part and just BE intimately connected. why does it scare me to get to know people? to allow that relationship to develop organically? am i scared of what i will find about them or about myself?

i'm so emotionally exhausted. i don't know how i'm supposed to do homework now. i need to go to sleep. i will wake up as early as i can. but i will meditate first.

it is 2009. god, this has been a crazy year. i feel so amazing right now. i feel like my life is constantly improving. it is just getting better and better and even though sometimes it gets worse, i am always moving forward, moving upwards; the general trend is positive.

it is hard to believe that just one year ago i was still stuck in my eating disorder, stuck in an unhealthy relationship, struggling to find my footing, my identity, my life. i was still so lost. living in utah. scared of going back to school. isolating socially. it was hard. things are so much better now. i feel freer, i feel happier, i feel whole.

i'm not wanting to be around family right now. i'm liking having this time to myself. i feel very at peace. i just had a really good conversation with my ex bf. we are good now. i really think that we are going to be excellent friends. he is a good guy, deep down, even though sometimes he does weird things like the unprotected sex debate. i think he cares about me a lot and i think we will be quite close. i don't feel jealous. i don't want him back. i feel so okay with the knowledge that we are wrong for each other. i like that i don't have to avoid him to feel okay. i feel okay about the situation even when i am with him and enjoying his company. i know it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with me, or him; we are both actually really wonderful people.

i feel good about myself. i think i have a lot to offer other people. i think i they can't see that that's their problem and it's not my fault. i think i am beautiful. and interesting. and smart. i know there are things wrong with me. i know i can be dramatic and intense and i have bad times. i know that sometimes i say inappropriate things and i am still figuring out the social thing. but people need to cut me some slack. so maybe i say some inappropriate things sometimes. it's not the worst thing in the world. it's better than doing some of the dangerous things that i sometimes engage in. and it's well intentioned. i will work on it but i'll probably never be someone who always holds her tongue. and some people will be able to deal with it and some won't. and that's okay. i'll have good friends anyway.

i had two nice midnight kisses last night. one boy who was a grade above me in a high school. we had a nice conversation on the walk to the second party and i enjoyed it. the other was the cousin of another guy in the grade above me in hs. the three of us had walked together the mile or so between the parties. we'd separated from the group. it was nice to get away from the crowd of drunken craziness. i liked sharing the changing year with just two people, outside on the street, away from insanity and cheering and spilling booze. we all gave each other a kiss and wished each other a new year and it was exactly the beginning to 2009 that i needed.

this is going to be a good year.

okay last night was great. yesterday was great. mostly.

i went to my dietician appointment in the early afternoon. i always go to Noah's Bagels before to get lunch and there is a cute boy who works there. we flirt a little bit, not really, but just smile at each other and look at each other more than normal strangers would. he's always there and i've been going on tuesdays for basically the whole semester but yesterday i decided to say something. when i bought my bagel, i asked his name. i wanted to say more but there was a long line of people behind me so i just left. then when i was walking back to my car after seeing my dietician, he was standing in the doorway to Noah's and waved at me. i walked over and we talked for a minute. i asked if he wanted to get coffee or something sometime and he said that he was going on break in a minute but i had to get to therapy in an hour so i couldn't stay. he asked for my number and i gave it to him. it made me smile. it made me smile all the way walking back to my car and it makes me smile to think about right now. it's such an innocent flirtation. i'm not trying to casually have sex with him and i have no idea if we will even have fun but it's nice to flirt and it'd be fun to get to know him.

then i went to therapy. that was sort of a disaster. she basically told me that she thought it was a horrible idea for me to go to the show, that all my casual sex was just another way of avoiding intimacy and that i hadn't slept with a single person who i connected with emotion. i said even the ex bf and she said yes. i was really insulted and upset that she doesn't even think that the ex bf and i had anything meaningful at all. i know it was unhealthy and wasn't a great idea, but it wasn't the same as the casual sex i've had with random people. it did mean something and i did connect with him emotionally and share a degree of intimacy. we ended up deciding that there was no point in us talking about my romantic/sexual/relationship exploits because she tells me what she thinks and i say that i understand and sort of agree but that i'm not going to follow her advice. i still just do what i want and so it's not very productive to talk about. we're not going to talk about those things for a month and see what happens. see if i can carry on in the way that i want to and not have it affect my mood and my recovery. i honestly don't think i'm doing anything bad right now. i think that kid i slept with a couple weeks ago was a horrible idea. it was totally awkward and stupid and i'll never do that again. but the other kid is sweet to me and fun to be around. the innocent flirtation with Noah (as we'll call him) is enjoyable and sort of adorable. and though i see the potential for interacting with my ex bf being a bad idea, it wasn't this time.

the show was amazing. i had so much fun. i was nervous but it ended up being great. i got there early, hung out with the band and the other people that were there for the show. i get along with the other boys in the band and it was fun to see them and catch up. there were SO many people from my high school and elementary school. easily the best part about the night was that my best friend from like 6th grade was there and we talked most of the night. she is amazing - i'm pretty sure she was the first girl i had a crush on. she's adorable and so cool and fun to be around and i really want to reconnect with her. she brought and friend and he was really cool too. i felt like i could really have fun with them and i realized that i missed being around her.

after the show, we went to a bar, most of the people that were at the show that i knew. i drove my ex bf which was really the first time we talked all night. i'd hardly seen him at all. i was so caught up in talking to all these people i hadn't seen in years, i figured that was better anyway. the bar was fun. i talked more to people i've lost touch with and it was really fun. i mostly talked to boys which is kind of my style but also probably not that great for me but it was really fun. i didn't drink or use drugs at all, i wasn't even tempted. i liked being the sober one, everyone was so drunk. i drove home and car-full of drunk boys and ended up taking the ex bf back to my apartment instead of driving home to san mateo where we were both staying at our respective houses.

it was nice at first, we began to kiss and touch and it was familiar and nice but i didn't feeling the sense of longing or ache that i was worried i might feel. it was just enjoyable - but not really a big deal. but then he made a huge deal about the fact that i insisted that we use a condom. like we had about an hour conversation about it instead of having sex the like three times that we could have during that time. it was totally ridiculous. he was so insistent on it but i was so unwilling to cave - unprotected sex is a benefit of being in a relationship. it is unsafe to have casual unprotected sex and even if i totally trust that he hasn't had unprotected sex with anyone else since we've been together, it's the principle. it's not something that i want to do outside of a relationship. i want that line to be black and white; non-negotiable. i was rather irritated and turned off that he made such a big deal out of it. it shouldn't have even really been a discussion; as soon as i said it it should have just been like "really?" "yeah" "okay" done. sort of one of those things that i don't really like about him so much. he shouldn't even TRY to pressure me let alone do so for a fucking hour. most girls would cave in that amount of time. eventually we did have sex and it was okay. then again and it was much better. then again in the morning and i came. it was fun. nothing amazing. it was good for me to see that i can be around him and the allure is mostly gone. i know that he's not right for me, that i can find someone better for me and that i will be fine without him. my middle school friend said she thought i was way out of his league. :) haha.

we ate lunch in the afternoon when we woke up. it was casual. it was fine. we talked about the people we've been seeing, sleeping with, whatever. i think things are fine. i think we can be friends. of course i will take it really slow - i'm not going to start calling him all the time again or anything. maybe a conversation every once in a while and i'll see him when he's in town - sleep with him if i feel like it, but i can honestly see myself not wanting to. i didn't feel like i HAD to last night, i honestly could have gone either way. i could have just taken him home, it wasn't really a big deal. but i also don't regret what we did.

i feel really good about the situation. my only concern right now is getting my food into EXCELLENT shape. i've still been somewhat slacking.

the ex bf, when we first started kissing, pulled me back and said, "have you been being good?" i was like, "um yeah. what do you mean?" and he said, "you look like you've lost weight." haha. i'm pretty sure i havent, if i have, it's just a few pounds, normal fluctuations really. i'm not restricting, i'm just not 100% getting solid meals all the time but emotionally i'm on board, i more need to focus on the physiological effects of not having regular stable meals - sometimes it upsets my stomach when my eating is all sporadic and i know it can affect my mood. i like that he said that. although it's totally not a good thing for me to hear. but honestly, i'm okay with my body. i think i look good. he certainly said so over and over again. but even if he hadn't, I think i look good and that's more important. i don't even think i'm fat.

merry christmas eve!

things are going really well. i've been focusing on my HEAR ME every day and doing quite well. my food hasn't been as good as it could be the last couple days cos i'm waking up so late (like 1pm) and then only getting two solid meals plus a snack or two. that's my goal to work on these coming days. so far i'm doing well today but i haven't been up that long and i've had a really bad stomach ache for the last couple hours so i'm not exactly in the mood for a solid meal right now.

my mood has been overall really good. a little more anxiety than i'm comfortable with - taking ativan almost every day - but i think that's reasonably manageable. i've been busy - lots of things to do, socializing, circus, family, etc. it's been really fun. i've been at my parents' house for a week now and it's going really well. i'm excited about the band's show tomorrow (ex-bf's band), i think it will be really fun. although i am spending an inordinate amount of time considering what to wear. haha.

fun/interesting things of the last week:

1. went to see the movie Milk at the castro theater with my cousin. it's an amazing movie about a really sad event in our history and it was very moving to see it at the castro theater; in the midst of where it took place. i got really emotional though. i think i was in a sensitive mood and then the movie is quite sad and a few tears fell. at some points i was getting a little overwhelmed and i thought i might have to leave the theater because it was starting to feel like the type of situation where i was getting so upset by the movie that i would feel compelled to do something stupid afterwards but i stuck it out and even made the wise decisions to go get dinner afterwards with my cousin which allowed me some time to cool down.

2. at dinner the guy at the table next to us asked us if we wanted to go out to get drinks with him and a friend. we politely declined but talked to him for a little while in the restaurant. it was fun, he was a nice guy and it was an interesting experience to be hit on while with my cousin. haha.

3. after going out separate ways, i met up with that kid i slept with a few weeks back - the friend of a friend who is "polyamorous," did i already post about that? he's a nice kid and i thought it would be fun to hang out with him. he had texted me a few days earlier but i couldn't hang out. i had told my dietician on tuesday that i wouldn't have sex for a week and it's a little ridiculous that i couldn't do it but on thursday i had a lovely evening with that boy. he was very sweet. when i picked him up he got in my car and gave me a kiss on the cheek. then when i was checking my mail at my apartment me he started to touch my back and when i turned he kissed me and we made out for a minute in my apartment lobby. then we went upstairs and had pretty great sex three times. he was very intent on making me come which i said was a little unusual for a casual hook up and he said, well this is a little different since it's the second time and of course he cares. it was interesting. i ended up coming during sex which i haven't done really very often at all and i had a great time. i told him i probably shouldn't sleep at my apartment since my stuff was at my parents' house so i wasn't trying to kick him out i just thought i needed to go home. we went out and got some food at like 2am and then i took him home and headed back to san mateo. before he left we made out in the car for a minute and then he came back after he'd gotten out of the car and kissed me again through the window. it was cute. he's a sweet guy. i don't have feelings for him but i really enjoy what we're doing. i don't really know what we're doing. but it's fun. even if it ends up being just those two times, it was really fun.

4. the circus school had an open house on saturday. they let people try flying trapeze for a minimal fee and had free performances going on all day. i helped out with flying trapeze for a little bit and also performed some teeterboard. a couple of my neighbors came and one of the them tried flying trapeze - it was cute, she was quite good. i had a great time. i saw maya and colin and devon. it was so good to see them. i adore maya and colin.

5. that night i went to a party at a friend from high school's house. it was his birthday and he had some people over. my ex-bf from high school was there with his new gf. it was great to see him. he's a nice guy and i'm so glad that he's doing well - he is a drug addict and is somewhat recently out of rehab. his gf seemed really sweet. his brother was also there and i really like his brother so it was fun to talk to him. all in all it was a nice party, nice to see the random group of people that was there.

6. after that, a group of us went out for another guy's birthday to some bars in the city. although it was too loud at the bar we went to me for, i ended up having a good time. i talked to one friend and he told me about how he had a house in tahoe and was planning to go up as much as possible so we exchanged numbers because i said i was always always down to go up as much as possible. another girl that was there and i didn't really know in high school started talking to me and we talked about going to gay bars together because she's somewhat bi-curious and i've never been to gay bars and have always wanted to. plus it'd be fun to meet some girls and see if that's more the angle i'm into right now.

7. yesterday i went to a yoga class with my best friend. that wasn't too exciting but afterwards we hung out at her house and i learned that she's been playing guitar (she got one for her birthday) and she played some songs for me and then we sang together while she played. it was so fun. i really like singing. i'm not good at it but it's really fun and it was fun to work on the songs she's learning. i hope we keep doing that regularly. she's really good considering that she's only been playing for about a month.

that's about it. i guess that's a lot. i think tomorrow is going to be really fun. then the next day is xmas eve so i'll do family things. then xmas, more family. then hopefully we're going to tahoe for the weekend. then dinosaurs LIVE with my best friend (my ex present to her) and then new year's eve! then new year's day (japanese soup) and maybe a new year's party at my house with traditional japanese food. then i'll move back to school for intersession.

i feel really good. i feel like i'm settling into a life. i'm enjoying my vacation for the first time in i don't even know how many years. probably since senior year of high school so about five years. i'm feeling good about starting a new year. i feel hopeful. i feel proud of all the progress i've made in the last year. i even feel pretty good about my body. i mean, sure it's not perfect, but sometimes i look damn good and anyone who can't see that isn't worth my time. :)

i just need to keep working hard to do my basic self-care things and i really think i can stay on this good track.

well instead of getting back on track immediately like i had planned, i spent the next two days following my spiral downwards. it is not a pleasant thing to do. i slept all day saturday and then went to a party and brought a boy home (unwise). the boy is the one i had slept with before and we had unintentional unprotected sex. it was not a smart choice but i was coping, without a doubt. the following day i stayed in bed again but today i am extremely determined to get back on track. i am at a café right now, studying from the french final i have in about an hour. i'm going to go home before i go to it and get work out clothes so i can either go to circus or go to the gym. either way. i'm kind of feeling gym to be honest. not really wanting to talk the couple miles to the circus school in the rain. gym i can do. who knows though. i could also do gym and then go to the circus school for some flying, that would be really fun. i could even take my car if i want so as to avoid so much of the rain (i've lost my umbrella).

i talked to the ex-bf last time. i don't know why i called. i just wanted to. i wasn't in a good mood, it wasn't a good idea to call but i thought maybe it would be a nice conversation and i would feel better. but i didn't really. it wasn't as great as i thought it would be to talk to him. he said he didn't think we should sleep together when we hang out while he's here. i agreed but was a little disappointed because i kind of wanted to go all out and have it be a somewhat bad idea. why do i have the desire to do that?

instead i eventually decided that we really shouldn't hang out at all and i sent him a text message to that effect. no response. i suppose that's good. i know it's the right choice but it's hard. i regret it already. but honestly i don't think seeing him would be what i want it to be. i would be disappointed. it wasn't even as rewarding as i wanted it to be to talk to him on the phone. maybe because i was in a bad mood, who knows. but the thing is, if i'd stayed on track this weekend, maybe it would be okay to see him tomorrow or wednesday or whatever. but given that i've had such a bad weekend and i'm only just getting back on track today, i don't really think that's enough time to be in a good enough place to handle the potential stress. i'd still be in a vulnerable place and i want to just keep doing good things. i don't want to deal with more setbacks and that's what it would be. it would almost definitely throw me back into some negativity - whether it went well or badly.

i'm not ruling out the possibility of seeing him the next time he's up here. if i'm in a good place, it won't be a big deal. but i'm not in a good place right now. i'm getting back on track today but i'm not feeling better yet - that takes a few days of really good self-care before the mood catches up. he'll be back in just a couple weeks and maybe then it will be good to see him. i will reevaluate at that point.

i feel better about this situation, looking at it this way. my recovery is more important than anything else. i just need to focus on that. of my priorities, recovery is, bar none, my number one priority. it needs to always be that way. i need to focus on the fact that i had the actual experience last week of how doing my HEAR ME affected me positively. my mood was the best it has been in over a month after just a few days of positive self-care. if i can keep that up consistently, i know that i am going to be in an overall good place and i will be less vulnerable to small or even larger stressors.

okay, back to studying so i can get off to a good start today.

goals:
1. take final (3:30 - 4:15)
2. eat lunch on campus (4:15 - 4:35)
3. work out at gym (4:45 - 5:15)
5. go home and shower (5:30 - 6:00)
6. study on campus (6:15 - 7:00)
7. dinner on campus (7pm)
8. go to an SLAA meeting: 7:30pm at USF (easy)
9. study for last final
10. take meds at 11pm. no tv, can read book until i fall asleep.

so i've spent this week kicking my own ass. making an enormous effort to do my HEAR ME every day and actually take care of myself. i was eating right, sleeping right, exercising, socializing, doing my school work, and staying away from drugs and alcohol.

but then yesterday i fucked up. i hung out with some friends from high school all day. i haven't spent a lot of time with them recently but it was his house that the party was at on saturday last weekend and i'm trying to reconnect with them. they were really good friends in high school and i need more friends, i'm trying to get out there more. anyway, we had a really nice day. we had coffee, went to the academy of sciences, had dinner, etc. but then when i was hanging out at this guy's house (the girl had left to hang out with the guy she's dating) with just him and his roommates who i don't really know well. it was okay but then they talked about getting high and immediately my resolve went out the window. i knew i was going to get high, i was excited about it but even at the time i knew it was the wrong idea and i was making promises to myself and my friend that it would be the last time.

why do i do that? why do i do things that i know are a bad idea? i feel like that's the running commentary of my life. why do i do things that i know are wrong? that i know are bad for me. will make me feel bad. will hurt me. etc. etc. etc.

but i got high. it was okay. not great. not horrible. but i got pretty socially anxious and paranoid. i feel as though when i'm high i can't speak. can't move my mouth or formulate thoughts. can't think of what i should do so i just keep my mouth shut and try not to do anything. i felt embarrassed and wanted to get out of there.

eventually i got home - after a really awkward and silent drive with my friend - and laid in bed paranoid and depressed. i tried to calm myself. eventually i just took some ativan and went to sleep.

i know i'm slipping. first i stayed up too late on thursday night. it screwed up my sleep. then i messed up my food because i was hanging out with friends and i didn't want to insist on getting food when i needed it (eventually i did, but it had been too long between my first and second meals of the day. then i got high. another mistake.

of course of course this has affected me today. my mood is low. i didn't want to get out of bed. i didn't want to do anything. i didn't want to shower but i forced myself. i got dressed but then after i ate breakfast i changed back into PJs and went back to sleep. i slept all day. finally i got myself out of the house at like 5:30pm to buy dinner from the cafeteria. i'm depressed now. at least i ate a big meal but still, cereal and one meal is not sufficient for it being past 9pm already. i really really need to get back on track. i don't want to feel this way and i know that the things i was doing were really helping.

i've been wanting to self harm tonight, wanting to die. it's amazing how fast my mood can drop from great to dangerous. i talked myself out of going to buy razor blades by telling myself that if i still want them tonight, i can go get them from a 24 hour walgreens. i know what hospital i would go to. i started thinking about where i would cut. cutting is becoming really hard for me. i want to do it really badly and it's the hardest habit to kick.

i need to get back on track. immediately. starting this minute. not tomorrow, not monday, but RIGHT NOW. i am not going to drink or do any drugs or any kind tonight. i am going to eat. tomorrow i need to study - i didn't study at all today - and i need to go to a meeting and i need to exercise. those things are non-negotiable. they actually come before studying. it is more important for me to do my HEAR ME tomorrow than it is for me to study. that is how essential this is.

tomorrow: MANDATORY
1. eat three meals with protein
2. no naps
3. exercise
4. go to a meeting
5. NO drugs or alcohol

i am changing things. i know i am. today is day three of my new plan - following through with the BEHAVIORS i know i need to do, not focusing on changing my emotions but focusing on changing my behavior. i am taking care of myself. i am eating well, i am exercising, i am sober, i am getting things done. each day i do one thing to clean my room. today i am going to organize my desk. i am reading - voraciously. i am doing this.

and it is working. i feel GOOD today. i feel hopeful and motivated. i know that i can do this. i am going to get better and live a full life. fuck, that is so amazing to believe in.

last night i lit candles in my room, burned incense and curled up in my bed. i wore my really comfy soft robe and cuddled with my kitty. i watched the new episode of house. when i blew out the candles before i went to bed, i took the time to think about some things that i wished for or wanted in my life. before i blew out each candle, i said something aloud. something that i want in my life.

these are some of the things i said to myself, to the universe:

-i want to feel whole.
-i want to be happy.
-i want to live a long and fulfilling life.
-i want that for my family and friends and kitty as well.
-i want to be fully fully recovered.
-i want to feel whole.

it is interesting to me that the concept of "wholeness" came up repeatedly for me. i didn't feel completely whole last night. i felt a little broken, a little empty, missing something ineffable. but today i feel whole. i feel complete. i feel strong.

i feel good about myself today. i like my impulsive haircut, i think i look kind of adorable today. i think i dress well. i think i am an excellent mom to my kitty. i think i am a good student - even though i have had some uncommon struggles this semester. i feel confident that in the end, for these finals, i will pull things together and show myself to be the student i knew i always was. i am worthwhile and valuable. whether any individual sees that or not, i know it to be true. i will be appreciated. i am appreciated. not by everyone, but that will never be true. but i am appreciated by the people who matter in my life right now and i appreciate them.

i like who i am. i am unique. i do not fit some mold and i have been through a lot of crazy things. but those things make me who i am and so i cannot regret them. i have learned from everything i have been through and i will continue to learn each day.

ugh, this is a good feeling. i love feeling this way. i need to soak it in, i need to remember it. it will not last forever but it is real, even though it is transient. i am going to be fine.

so i'm at a crossroads. i know that i have the potential to fall back into a depression. i feel it inside me, that the emotions are strong and just barely under the surface and if i let them, they can overtake me. but i also know - as i did last time - that it does not have to be that way. i chose last time. i chose to deal in negative ways because i didn't want to deal. but i want to do something different this time. i am not focusing on feeling better, i am focusing on behavior. i am focusing on doing the right thing because i believe what everyone tells me - that if i do the right things, eventually i will feel better and i will have avoided hurting myself in the process. i know i am vulnerable so i need to be vigilant.

i must eat well every day. i must get enough sleep. i need to get my schoolwork and studying done. i need to go to SLAA meetings. i need to exercise. i need to be social and see my friends. i need to stay clean and sober. i need to clean my room.

i am going to do all these things. one day at a time. today i am doing well. emotionally i am mostly okay. not great, not falling apart. i could fall apart. but i'm choosing to focus on what i'm doing right. i've been eating well, i went running today, i'm going to a meeting tonight, etc. i need to give this whole thing a shot. i need to see if i can handle difficult emotions by doing these positive coping skills, taking care of myself, and listening to the people in my life who know better.

i really want to show myself that this can work.

ya know, hard to say how things are right now. i feel a little on the verge of depression today. it's not terrible, i'm just amotivational and bored. i don't feel like doing anything, i've stayed in bed all day. eh. it could be worse.

the past couple days have been strange. on friday i came to the decision that i needed to stop talking to the ex. i wrote him this long email, explaining how it was very hard for me to make this choice but that it seemed like the right thing to do. i was honest. i said that it wasn't what i wanted, but what i thought was probably best. i admitted that i wished he would fight for me, but also admitted that i didn't really want to know if he would or not - obviously because i didn't want to know that he wouldn't.

i really believed that it would make a difference for him to lose me completely. i thought that he really wanted me in his life, i thought that i was important. sometimes it sounded so much like he cared, like he wasn't always sure the break up was exactly the best, that he had some hope for us in the future, he just needed the freedom to hook up with other people. i knew he probably wouldn't fight to be with me, but i thought at least he'd fight to be my friend.

we ended up talking on the phone instead. it was sad. he seemed not to care, he seemed to be fine, to be relieved if anything to have me out of his life. he kept saying it wasn't a big deal, that i was acting as if i was in love with him, that i didn't really feel the way i said i did. it was so horrible. it was EXACTLY the way i didn't want to know he would react. i didn't want to know that i was that meaningless, that it was that unimportant, that i was so easy to forget. that hurts.

i knew he wasn't going to talk me out of it, wasn't going to fight to keep me, but at least i thought he'd sound sad about it. at least i thought it'd sound like he cared. but it did not. that really sucks a lot.

i broke down and cried on the phone to my best friend for a while. i ranted and raved about the things he said and how unfair they were. about how nothing he'd ever said was really real, how nothing had ever been good between us, he had just been waiting for an out. how soon i would be just like the other dozen girls he's been with for a few months who now he dismisses as meaningless. i never wanted to be meaningless. i didn't think i was.

i felt like i needed to do something crazy. i needed something that caused adrenaline, that would feel impulsive. i ran through my head all the things i could do, not wanting to do something dangerous but being unsure as to how to cope with that type of emotion without doing so. i decided to cut off all my hair.

twenty minutes later, my hair is half gone, above my shoulders after a lifetime of long long hair. it's a rush. i love cutting my hair drastically like that, not knowing if it'll turn out, not knowing if i'll fuck it up, but seeing great handfuls of myself falling to the floor. i wanted something drastic. i wanted to change who i am.

it got me out of the funk. i felt energized. my best friend came over and we got ready to go out to a holiday party. it was nice to get out. it was nice to meet people and talk to cute boys and make new friends. we did make friends. we hung out with these two boys, got dinner after the party and talked a bunch with them. it was nice. i had no interest in hooking up with either of them and i'm pretty sure neither of them wanted to hook up with me. yet they were interested. they wanted to talk to me, found me interesting enough to spend the evening with and that was nice. it felt good not to be flirting but to be just talking with boys. i want to stay friends.

my best friend slept over which was really fun and we never do. not even when we were young, we just never did that. we talked in bed like it was a slumber party and it was nice to have someone around. my kitty likes her and slept on her feet.

i went to the circus school the next day when i woke up. did teeterboard for a few hours because there is an open house coming up and we're supposed to do some tricks. then got talked into doing the flying trapeze demo. so i threw a splits catch, one practice and one in the show. i can't even remember the last time i caught a trick, it's easily been two years. that was fun. it was a thrill. i need to spend more time at the circus school, it makes me feel good. everyone - except my acro teacher of course - was very complimentary about my hair. it's nice to have people tell me i look good. one guy even said that i could shave my head and still be sexy. haha. i need to be around people who care about me and i know the people there do.

that night i went to dinner with some friends for a friend from high school's birthday. i may have, somewhat inappropriately, mentioned that i would really like to take a random boy home so if anyone had any ideas about who would be a good idea, let me know. they suggested this one friend from college. i happened to sit next to him at dinner and the birthday kid gave me a look indicating that that was him. haha. it was funny. we talked at dinner, he's a nice enough guy, attractive enough, and fun enough to talk to. we flirted at the party some.

then this random french guy came to the party. he was about fifteen years older than any of us, dressed quite well and, of course, french. he was clearly lost. he was supposed to meet a friend at a party on this corner but it was obviously not the right one. i imagined that the party he was meant to be at was like a nice, mature, cocktail party or something. instead he found his way into a post-college kegger. but it was funny and i talked to him in french for a while, practicing my skills. he was quite entertaining. i told him about the open house at the circus school because he's a tourist and trying to do a bunch of fun things in the city. i hope he shows up, it would be so funny.

later, my chosen boy of the night told me he was going outside to smoke a cigarette and asked me if i wanted to come. he talked for a bit and then kissed on the doorstep. he was sweet. said nice things and sounded genuine and wanted to kiss me, which is always nice. he told me that he's "polyamorous" haha. in other words, don't get your hopes up, i'm not into commitment. haha. i made it clear that i have no interest in his emotions getting anywhere near me.

i took him home with me. he was nice. we had very mediocre sex. twice at night and once in the morning. i wanted to the first time, but the other times i didn't really care either way. i mean, it's nice to have someone be attracted to me. he cuddled with me while i slept. i kind of just wanted my space. it's hard for me to sleep while touching someone else's skin. in the morning he asked if i wanted him to get out and i didn't know what to say. i did kind of but i couldn't say that. we slept a little more and then got up. he showered and tried to fix my toilet despite my protests (he actually DID break it like i worried he would, though i didn't realize until he'd left) and we talked for a while. he asked if i wanted to get breakfast and he ended up buying it for me. we ate pancakes and french toast at a local cafe, it was delicious and the conversation was good enough. not spectacular but enjoyable. then he left. gave me a hug and that was that.

i have no interest in him whatsoever. i couldn't care less if he calls me or not. it was a fun enough time. i don't think it was destructive nor do i think it solved everything. it just was.

i regret ever getting involved with my ex. it was a bad idea - like my therapist told me - and now it's going to take me however long to be fully okay again. i've wasted time. i've wasted time feeling bad, not moving forward, not getting better, it's hurt my recovery. i don't want to do that again.

i'm reading the SLAA book and i want to start going to meetings. i know my patterns are destructive and i want to find a way to change them because what i've been doing isn't working. it's destructive and it's unfulfilling. someday i want to be loved for real and i want it to be healthy. i want to love someone and not feel like i'll die without them. not feel needy. i can have that, but not if i don't do something to change the way i am right now.

i got my stitches out today. i hate getting stitches out. it hurts and makes me feel sick. it feels like the stitching that's holding my body together is being taken out; that i'm like a stuffed animal with seams that can be torn open and the stuffing inside will spill out. i walk carefully. i feel as though even the slightest movement could rip the healing wound open and i would spill out. it would tear me open and there would be no way to put me back together. i feel fragile, as though those sutures were the only thing holding me together and now, without them, i am vulnerable.

i feel better. not like a little better, but a lot. like a light switched. last night after that post, after feeling dead inside, feeling numb, being in a very "fuck it" mood, as we used to say in a certain outpatient group, i got a wake up call from the ex-bf. somehow he managed to snap me back to reality after i was, much to his dismay nonchalantly and remorselessly describing my day of purging. it occurred to me that i don't have to just keep fucking up until something drastic changes. that i can actually choose to stop fucking up. that that's probably the best way to get back on track. it feels as if i can't control it and sometimes i can't, but sometimes i can and yesterday was one of those days. i didn't have to purge. i could have stopped myself, but i did it anyway. i did it because i didn't care anymore. because it almost felt like the more i fucked up, the faster i would get through this phase. does that make any sense? i know that's not how things work in a positive healthy world, but it always seems like there's some limit that i hit, some breaking point where i've gone to the edge and things just snap back into place. all of a sudden i switch and things are back to normal. it's night and day. that's scary because it feels out of control, i don't know what i do to make that happen, it just happens. but i think i might have instigated the switch by my genuine change in attitude last night.

today was a good day. i woke up feeling GOOD as opposed to the last three weeks when i have woken up feeling like i wanted to die. i was productive, bought some books, eat relatively well and moved back to my apartment tonight. i like it here. it's settled. i like my parents' home but it's the site of many negative emotions and behaviors. sometimes that gets to me. this place is a positive place. i have never binged here. i have never purged here. i have never self-harmed here. i've never even gotten high here, although i probably will do that eventually. it's clean, in many ways. it's nice to be back.

i am always cautious when things first switch like this. i am always hesitant to get fully comfortable in it, to settle in, settle down, relax my guard. so i am not taking this for granted. this might not be the switch back into normalcy, it might just be a good day. but that's okay. i'll take a good day. it's like breathing again.

i can do this. instead of doing the wrong thing until i figure out how to feel better, i am going to start doing the right thing until i DO feel better. it doesn't matter if i feel shitty, i can still go through the motions, "fake it til you make it" as they say.

i hesitate to say this, but i think this particular darkness might be over.

i am feeling really sickly. my head is hurting a lot. i feel lightheaded and sort of nauseated. if i stand for too long i feel like i'll collapse. now, this may be the result of a variety of things. i just realized that i didn't take my meds today - i thought of it this morning but that was right after purge 1 so i figured i should wait until i was done purging before taking them. good idea in theory, but not so great with the follow through. also, i realize that psychological factors are at play. this feeling sickly is actually a great distractor from how i feel emotionally. if it weren't for the fact that i'm somewhat preoccupied by the potentiality of passing out at any second, i would be, as i have been for the bulk of this month, feeling extremely suicidally and self-destructively depressed. as of right now, i am more just feeling like i AM dying, less so that i care if i do or not.

i list off all these other factors because i realize it has been a while since i was fully in the swing of the purge thing, but still, this is all new to me. i never used to feel this out of it. and it definitely wouldn't last all day. i felt so weak and nauseated that i thought maybe my blood sugar was just way way super low so i had a glass of juice and a piece of chocolate; thought it would bump the blood sugar up rather quick. but to no avail. then thought it might be dehydration so i've been trying to drink some water to refill my system. regardless, is this really the result of just TWO purges? granted, there were quite thorough, if i do say so myself, but still. just two and i'm having heart palpitations and a fever. odd. oh well. worst case scenario i die in my sleep. but that sounds rather peaceful and nice.

it's nice not to feel my emotions. i'd rather feel sick than how i was feeling this morning. i'll feel sick forever if it keeps me from feeling depressed. no matter. my night meds'll kick in in a few and i'll be unconscious again. blissfully separated from this world.

i just purged a glass of grapefruit juice and a handful of tortilla chips.... yeah that's TOTALLY worth it. last time i purged was in like august. but then again the last time i self-harmed WAS june but now it's last sunday. i'm doing my laundry right now so that if i decide to self-harm again tonight and admit to the psych ward, i'll have some clean clothes to bring.

at least i plan ahead....

well obviously after purging a glass of grapefruit juice and tortilla chips, that meant i was going to purge dinner today. Thanksgiving Dinner: The Sequel was held at my house today with all my favorite cousins and friends. it would have been a really nice occasion if it weren't the fact that i spent all morning while they were cooking in bed crying. or that i left after each portion to purge every bite. i don't even purge anymore. probably something like 5 times in all of 2008 (used to be 3-4 times a day). but these last few weeks have been horrible. broke up with the boyfriend. decided to drop a lot of weight so i restricted for a few days. when that was out of my system, i moved on to self-harm and wound up in the hospital getting stitches. then i decided to start getting high again. then last night my ex bf told me that he loves me. that he has loved me since we broke up. is not IN LOVE with me but loves me but doesn't want to be with me and would have cheated if we'd stayed together. that was in a conversation that started with me saying we should probably stop talking cos it's hurting me and ended with us having phone sex. hm, clearly i'm making wise choices. now today i've been purging. plus doing my laundry so that i can self-harm tonight if i want to and admit to the hospital for a few days.

i just don't know what else to do. i'm drowning. things aren't getting better, they're getting worse. it felt good to purge today. it made me numb. it made it possible for me to go through this entire day of family without breaking down in tears like i was every five minutes this morning before i went downstairs. now i can function normally if i remind myself that as soon as i want to, i can self-harm and go to the hospital. i can only stay sane by reminding myself that i can do extremely insane things whenever i want to. if i try to be normal, if i try to relax, to feel what i'm feeling, i break. i can't stop crying. i feel like i'm being ripped apart. this depression is so intense. i cannot handle it.